How to make mild financial sucess through politically maginal political projects

by Dr. Centeno

Hey everyone well its good to be writing for you again! The reason for my absence is I was conducting important research for you, the reader. This research has culminated in this significant report which I am now ready to release to the public. Have you ever wondered how you could achieve mild political and financial success? Have you ever dreamed of doing both of these things AT THE SAME TIME? Well, boy do I have some news for you. I'm going to talk about some folks who do this in a very average way and if they can I bet you can too unless you are a total failure or something like that. Also I am going to tell you what I notice and how I think you can do it. Yeah, that's right!! This stuff is pretty complicated so you should pay close attention.

OPTION #1
Start a Non-profit

This is a great way to make some money. You should try to have the most obvious or agreeable goal as possible because this will be commensurate with how much money you make. However, it is important that this goal is basically impossible because otherwise your organization wont last very long. At first it might seem tough to come up with a goal that meets both of these criteria so heres some examples to help you get started: save the environment, end racism, stop exploitation of the third world. These are all great goals because almost everyone agrees these things are bad and also you are definitely not going to achieve these goals.
While its important for your organization to pick a goal it is incapable of achieving it is also pretty important you make sure not to try too hard or come up with a really good plan, just to make sure.
The reason you pick a problem that is really large as well as difficult to understand or solve is that people are sympathetic when you don't solve it immediately. In fact its best if your donors would not be upset if you never solved it. If people start to get impatient, though, you can pick a lot of little easy-to-achieve goals that are kind of related to your really big one. This gives the impression of progress even if no progress exists so its a good tactic.
The other thing thats important is that people can agree with what you want to achieve. You should remember that guilt is your most powerful weapon. Use it accordingly. This goes for donors as well as staff members. If you want a smoothly functioning workplace it is of primary importance to fill it with guilty, apologetic people who have little sense of their own power.
For donors, determine your target audience and guilt them hard. You are in luck because rich people are some of the most guilty people in the world, and rightfully so. Put them over the coals. Make them feel the heat. Roast them like a pig on a stick. A pig filled with money. Try to think of them as large guilty piggy bank morsels for your delicious plunder mastication machine. Dont forget you are selling these people moral righteousness and/or vanguardist political reform.
Another strategy if you dont care about politics is you can skip the non profit thing and just go around on the train with a plastic bucket asking for donations to the Save the Children World Fund or whatever.

OPTION #2
Become the figurehead of a somewhat cultish political party and write a bunch of books about how your strategy is the best.

Okay I wont lie folks there are some people who are better than others at this and Bob Avakian is a pretty good example. People talk about this guy a lot so I figured I had to mention it. Basically what you do is create a group where you are the unimpeachable political authority and make known that anyone who disagrees with you or really in fact anyone who ISNT you has an incorrect political strategy. The money you will be making here is mostly through selling books and videos so it is important to amass an army of middle aged men for this purpose.
The difference of this strategy is that instead of guilting people to give you money you have two points of sale:
1. price of admission into the revolutionary vanguard.
2. pay this annoying guy to go away.
This is really a great strategy because the people who work for you will do it for free. The biggest thing you must pay for is the copies of a newspaper which you must instruct your army of guys to hand out to everyone they see. Why do you need a newspaper you ask? Because this is the organ of your political party! Duh. (Which organ? Probably the colon.)

Anyway I hope you all found these ideas helpful. Pretty soon with a little work I bet you can come to mild political and economic success but dont count on it. Dr centeno out.